My tragic pregnancy experience in Belgium (3)

Continued from the previous chapter: My tragic pregnancy experience in Belgium (2)

I lay on the hospital bed for the whole day after coming back from the consultation, thinking about the joy and stress of my whole 5 months of pregnancy. In one day, we came from naming a baby to stopping him. My emotions turned me from silent tears to loud crying from time to time.

Each time R came and hugged me, and repeated “We are young and healthy, we will have as many babies as you want in the future”. He then put his forehead against mine and then kissed me on the lips.

Back home from the hospital

The next day on Friday 11th February, it was a rainy and stormy day, I was able to exit the hospital in the early morning. After getting home, R started to be busy cooking some soup for me to help me recover from appendicitis. I lay on the sofa, looking at the rain through the window, realizing that the physical pain could not beat me, but the emotional one could. I could not help but imagine every detail about the termination of my baby, from time to time I fell asleep, during which I got nightmares of the delivery room filled with blood and horror.

After lunch, I walked into the bedroom, looking at the wardrobe full of baby clothes and maternity clothes, tears streamed down my face like a river. I wanted to put them away, but I could not move much or bend without hurting myself. I realized I haven’t got the chance to wear my new maternity dresses bought last weekend yet.

R and I sat on the news a bit before we brought it to the parents and friends, as I was not able to tell to anyone without crying crazily, we both needed some time to absorb the news ourselves.

I woke up every night to go to the toilet typically at 3 or 4 am, during one week I still needed R’s help. I could never fall back to sleep after the break but cried in the arms of R, he then would always repeat “It will be ok, we will start over”.

That weekend, a close friend came to visit me because of the surgery, she told me that she tried her first round of IVF last week, but failed. I couldn’t resist anymore and told her that I was losing my baby too, we then cuddled each other and cried together like a mess.
I guess only people in a similar situation could understand the pain at a similar level.

Planning and details for induced abortion

On the 14th of February Monday, the social media feed was filled with love and joy for the Valentine’s Day celebration, we came to UZ Leuven to meet Dr. C and another professor doctor, Dr. R. We got briefed about the result of the medical staff meeting earlier that morning, all the members had a consensus of not objecting the decision to terminate the pregnancy. Dr. R did another ultrasound on me to double confirm the findings of last Thursday.
As expected, there was no change in the situation, she said she wished to tell me that Dr. C was completely wrong, but the reality was that it was as severe as it was described to me before.

We then were presented to the case manager – a midwife called Ms. J to brief us on what would happen on the day of the delivery.

In Belgium, pregnancy termination is a very delicate matter, abortion after 12 weeks is only allowed if there is a medical risk. Legally, the medical staff cannot force or recommend any decision on the parents – if the parents decide to terminate the baby – they have to be left with at least 6 days of reflection time.
I learned from Ms. J that pregnancy termination after 12 weeks is usually done via an induced, close to the natural delivery process, after which parents can choose to have a look at the baby (or not). The delivered infant is considered as demise and needs to be buried or cremated. The hospital offers also pastoral service, there can be an official goodbye ceremony in the delivery room, or in a dedicated chapel.

The hospital also proposed to do some additional tests (such as biopsy and autopsy) on the placenta and the fetus after the delivery, to be able to understand from a close distance what and if possible why this happened, it is also a contribution to the medical science. There would be another consultation with us to present with us the findings 6 weeks after the delivery.

As 2 engineers, in terms of the decision, R and I were both more scientific oriented. We said yes to the tests on the placenta and fetus after delivery, but for the ceremonial stuff of the baby, we were both shaking our heads, we didn’t even want to see the baby as it would make it even sadder, and I was convinced that I would get even more nightmares. In our mind, making grand gestures over the death of an unborn baby would make it more difficult for us to forget and move forward, we would rather delegate all the after-delivery process to the hospital.

Ms. J respected our decision and emphasized that there were no right or wrong decisions, we could still change our minds on the delivery day, “just go with the flow”, Ms. J said. She noticed that in the meeting, the more details she gave, the more tears I got, then she stopped and handed a leaflet to us so we could read it at home.

As I was still recovering from appendicitis, the delivery date was arranged for the next week Wednesday 23rd February, I would be hospitalized for an induced delivery. 2 days before that, I had to come to the hospital for some documentation and COVID swap, as well as starting to take a pill to get the process going.

Acceptance

We stayed home for another week to recover physically and prepare emotionally. Whenever my emotions went too low, I started to write my feelings down in a journal, then I would feel better. One day I woke up and all of a sudden started to accept the reality. “It is not fair, but it is happening “. Looking back on all the ups and downs, there were all kinds of indications that it was not meant to be, I can do nothing but accept it.

I felt quite good those days and even went back to work a bit to deal with some work-related matters. I still had a lot of imagination about the delivery procedure, but I hoped time could pass by fast so it could be over soon.

The process before the delivery

On the next Monday 21st of February, we came to the hospital again for the last meeting with Ms. J before the hospitalization. My recovery from the appendicitis was quite okay, my emotion was also quite in control, so it was all good. We signed the paper, did the COVID swap and I took the pill to “break” my pregnancy hormone. “So it begins”, said R.

The next day, I woke up around 9 am, habitually I started to check my phone, and a huge red text appeared on my medical app “Covid POSITIVE”. I honestly had no clue how and when I got COVID-19, I didn’t see anyone in the last weeks and didn’t feel any symptoms.

I had to go back to the hospital again that day to do a blood test, to confirm if the infection was in the beginning or in the end phase, the difference would not change the hospitalization plan but would make a difference in the safety measures for the medical staff around me.

After coming back from the hospital, I requested R to get a piece of cheesecake for me from the bakery, I was never a sweet tooth, but life has been really bitter with me recently.

“Everything that could or could not go wrong all happened”, I told R in a very disappointed tone. “Well, it can always be worse”, said R, and then we both knocked on the wood.

It can always be worse

It was around 15:00 after I finished the cheesecake, and I prepared to go for a nap. Suddenly someone rang the doorbell, R went to answer it. After 2 minutes he came to the bedroom and laughed almost sarcastically:

“Remember I told you that things could always be worse?”
“What again?”
“The neighbor just came and told me that she bumped into your car while exiting the parking”

There was no more room for me to get angry or disappointed, we could do nothing but laugh, what can another car accident do to us? I went for my nap and decided to deal with it after the hospitalization.

Delivery

On the day of the delivery, we came to UZ Leuven at 9 a.m., we were introduced to a private delivery room by a midwife. She asked me kindly if I got some good sleep last night, I said “We both didn’t really fall asleep, and it was expected.” She did another Covid swap on me, and after 20 minutes of waiting, the result turned out to be negative. It was the first good news in weeks! I hoped my luck was going to turn in the right direction starting from there.

The delivery process went from 10:00 am to 17:15, I was given pills in the vagina area (every 3 hours) to soften the cervix and stimulate the uterus contraction. My body went through the whole process from cramping to hours of uterus contraction, plus vomiting and fever (due to the side effects of the pill). The midwife was very supportive, she asked me to not hesitate to ask for a painkiller or epidural if I felt too much pain. “There is already so much emotional pain in your situation, if there is anything to reduce physical pain, you should ask for it.”

10 minutes after the pills were inserted, I started feeling cramps in my uterus, the doctors were happy that my body reacted so fast. I asked for a painkiller after a while. At a certain moment, the contraction was too painful for me, it was no longer safe to give me more painkillers, and the medical staff suggested injecting an epidural.

In a normal scenario, I would never be against it, but recently so many low-probability bad things happened to me, I was really skeptical that something might go wrong with the procedure then I became paralyzed (if I start to move during the process). I bore the pain for another half an hour until I could no longer stop screaming, then I gave up and agreed to use an epidural. I was so lucky that all the medical staff who cared for me that day were experienced people, the process of giving the epidural was very smooth, and while the anesthesia was being administered, the midwife helped hold me and explained what I should expect, it helped a lot for the fear.

10 minutes after the epidural, the pain was completely gone, I was calmed down and I could lie down quietly, I could still feel the contraction from my uterus, but the pain was completely gone, how magical! After half an hour of resting, I felt some liquid flowing out of me. “I feel it is coming”, I told the midwife, she cut open my underwear in a few seconds, and then the baby and placenta came out, no push, no screaming, they just came out all of a sudden.

My body was shaking when I realized that the baby was already outside of me, it felt so unreal. The midwife called the doctor to examine me.
“Your baby looked so peaceful, would you like to have a look?”
I said “No”, I looked away and started crying heavily. It was finally over.
R went for a glimpse. Then they took the baby and placenta away.


Just like that, I became a mother – without a crying baby in my arms.

Xiaohu

“Xiaohu” was the nickname the whole family gave to the baby, it means “little tiger” in Chinese, symbolizing his born year, and our hope for him to be brave. I didn’t like this name in the beginning, as I was looking for a more poetic nickname, I thought we had months to find another one before his due date. However, he was born 4 months earlier, while still in the year of the tiger. I started to like the name a few weeks ago.

Xiaohu was indeed very brave, even though he was starving in my womb, he still had heartbeats before the delivery, even the doctor was surprised, “he tried his best, but unfortunately it was not enough”.

R and I were left alone in the room after the delivery, it was the heaviest moment in my life. One week ago, I thought I had already accepted the reality and wouldn’t be very emotional anymore. But when this moment finally came, when I physically became a mother, it felt so real that it hurt.

All of a sudden, I started to challenge my decision of not having a look at Xiaohu, yes it would make it harder to forget the pain, but my mind told me that Xiaohu was worth remembering. If having a look at him indeed gave me more nightmares, I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done.

It is interesting that after a significant event, people’s minds can completely change. We then rang the bell and asked to see Xiaohu.

The midwife brought him to me wrapped in a white cloth. I took him in my arms, he was such a small baby, only 21 cm, but he had got everything without any physical defect, he was a real baby. His head leaned to his right side, and with his right hand next to his face, he looked like a baby in deep sleep. Certainly, he looked very peaceful, without any sign of hunger or anger.

Looking at Xiaohu, both R and I could not stop crying, I hated that I could not protect him by giving him a comfortable environment to grow healthily, the only thing I could do was to end his suffering earlier.

“I also would like to have a look at the placenta”. It was just a small piece of meat, nothing special, but I was happy that I had a look at it -the part of me who committed the crime.


There are many reasons to become a mother, to inherit the wealth, the wisdom, to look for dependencies when getting old, etc, my biggest reason for wanting to be a mother is about “unconditional love”. I learned and observed, that unconditional love only exists between parents and children, beyond any other relationship. I wanted to get an opportunity to experience it. Looking at Xiaohu in my arms, he was not just a dead flesh coming out of me who should be forgotten, he was my son, and deserved my unconditional love, for however long it could be.

We then requested to meet Ms. E from the pastoral service in the hospital, we would like to have a small goodbye ceremony for him before we left the hospital. Ms. E is a young lady, with blond curly hair and a beautiful voice. She first expressed her sincere sorrow for our situation, and then asked us how we would like the ceremony to be, we agreed to meet each other the next day at 11:00 am before exiting the hospital.

The blessing ceremony

The next morning at 11:00 a.m., Ms. E came to our room along with Xiaohu in a box. We wanted the ceremony to be simple and respectful. Xiaohu was wrapped in a beautiful bright yellow cloth with a teddy bear next to him, and placed in a beautiful bamboo basket. We placed him on the hospital bed, I sat on the bed next to him, and R and Ms. E sat on the chairs across from us, it was a very intimate gathering among the 4 of us.

Ms. E started by reading the blessing for Xiaohu with her beautiful voice, she was very sincere, and I felt she could have a conversation with Xiaohu. During the blessing, I looked at Xiaohu with complete love and pity, both tears and snot were running into my mask, making it hard to breathe.

Then we lit up the candle and spoke some last words to Xiaohu. I told him: “Mom is so sorry for not being able to protect you. But you will never be forgotten, you remain my first son forever. Take care of yourself in heaven. Mom loves you. ”

Ms. E then read a poem that ends the ceremony:

Xiaohu,
In the rising of the sun and in its going down,
we remember you.

In the glowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
we remember you.

In the opening of buds and in the rebirth of spring,
we remember you.

In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of summer,
we remember you.

In the rustling of leaves and in the beauty of autumn.
we remember you.

At the beginning of the year and when it ends,
we remember you.

When we are lost and sick at heart,
we remember you.

When we have joys we yearn to share,
we remember you.

So long as we live, you too shall live,
because you are a part of us.

After Ms. E left our room, we stayed a bit longer in the hospital. One week before I thought I could not confront the after-delivery process, at that moment I actually felt relieved and proud that we had said a proper goodbye.

Exit the hospital

When we were discharged from the hospital, the medical team who cared for us during the delivery gave us a memory box to remember Xiaohu. It has a USB stick of his pictures, a photo frame of his feet, a star album with his born details, a teddy bear (the same as the one in his basket), and some other small stuff, it was heartwarming. The midwife explained that they put all items in a box so that we could put them away easily.

While walking towards the parking in the rain, I could not help thinking, that I came in with Xiaohu in my belly, I exited the hospital with an empty uterus and empty heart, plus a memory box of Xiaohu. While walking, my uterus felt light but my body felt heavy, and my eyes were swelling the whole day due to crying. I was given 3 weeks of sick leave for physical and emotional recovery.

The hormone is an interesting thing, after coming back home from the hospital, I felt extremely exhausted. The subsequent days were not easy, constipation, bladder infection, breast pain, swelling ( preparing for milk production), cold… came to visit me one after another, most of them were normal reactions after the delivery. I became rather moody those days, whenever emotions kicked in, I wrote them done and told myself “All will get better”.

After 2 weeks, things were already getting better.

Xiaohu is buried in the cemetery in Leuven, next to our old apartment. There is an area called the star garden, where all the little star babies are buried. I was happy that Xiaohu had his own place to settle down, in our favorite city. I just never had imagined that we would be visiting someone in the cemetery back when we were living around there.

Gratitude

During the recovery time, I could not help wondering what helped me with the recovery process, apart from writing things down, I also thought a lot about how lucky I was in this unlucky situation. I did have lots of gratitude to express:

1. To my dear husband R, who put up with all the ups and downs from me, and took care of me those days. I am stronger together with him.
2. To my friends and families, who offered me support and strength.
3. To my sympathetic manager and nice colleagues, who took up extra work and gave me time and space to recover.
4. To every single medical staff during the process, offered an enormous amount of emotional support during the process, which made things much easier.

Write at last

This is my story in the last few months, it felt like it has been a lifetime. There are many things that happen in life we can not control, but we can control how to react to them. This bitter experience did not make me bitter, but more empathetic. In the past, if someone told me they had a miscarriage, I would feel sorry, but now I would feel their pain.

In the end, this heaviness is bearable, spring is here, everything is getting better and better, and time will heal.

– The end